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..(The monster begins it's approach!!! It can creep about 4 feet every 10 seconds, and it's about 50 feet away!)Marlene: Eeck! It can MOVE?(The creature continues it's waddle towards the girl.)Tim: Marlene has been intimidated!!!Marlene: Oh god, what's going on?(Marlene walks back and backs back into the door. Realizing she had no escape route, she looks back at the monster as a single tentacle protrudes from it upwards into the air, 5 feet.(Marlene steadies herself and goes into a defensive crouch.)Marlene: I'm not afraid of you! What can a wimp like you do to me? You'll never catch me!Tim: Would you look at that! The fighting spirit of the girl sends the Tentrulus into caution!(The tentacle retracts a couple feet, and the monster continues it's advance! It continues to creep towards the confused girl until it is at striking range!)(Suddenly, the tentacle lashes out and hooks onto her left arm!)Marlene: W... What? It was LONGER than 5 feet?Tim: Oh, look at that! The tentacle monster. . but... I had just convinced myself that I might be able to deal with actual sex. With a man. With a man's penis. Fuck. Back into my profile to repost and make a simple change: "Take a picture of your dick next to a ruler and hold up a piece of paper with today's date when you send the photo of you two together." It's greedy and demanding but I don't want to waste any more time because it's already getting late. I eat while I wait for emails. Ramen noodles and some liquid courage. My nails scrape hard against the glass while I drink and rest with my eyes closed. Fifteen emails and one telling me my profile was flagged yet again. That's whatever. I don't care. Either one of these fifteen will work or I WILL give up and just masturbate until I die of orgasmic heart attack. Or whatever happens to bad little girls when they play with themselves too much. Hairy palms? Hah! No. No. Oh hell no. No. Oh, hmmm... The fifth couple has potential. The man is slightly older - early thirties.
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“You got the money? Better give it me now saves any awkwardness afterwards.” Her voice was a nicotine scorched rasp. John gave her five twenties and she took her purse out the dressing table across from the bed and gave him ten pound change. It was all so formal he nearly asked for a receipt. Purse back in the dressing table drawer, she started to undress. Fucking hell, thought John, I’m under starter’s orders. He thought they might have a bit of a chat as a lead in but no. John unzipped his coat shakily. She was down to a black thong.“This’ll have to go in the bin, “she said, rolling the thong down her pale thighs, “It’s sticking to me crack.”She lay on the bed naked, setting the stopwatch on her phone for 60 mins and beginning the countdown. John was still undressing in the small gap between the bed and wardrobe. Peeling off his last item of clothing, the black sock off his left foot, he fell backward and crashed arse first into the wardrobe and compounded his buffoonery by tripping.

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